—Marcus Aurelius
We’ve all heard the admonition “you need to forgive and forget.” Many of us heard this as a child from our parents when we were wronged by a sibling or a friend. We were told to turn the other cheek and give our pals another chance.
Some of us learned the idea behind this was the Golden Rule, “Do to others as we would have them do to us.” As our parents can be quick to point out, we’ve certainly been guilty of committing our own transgressions and needing forgiveness.
Our parents were not wrong. Knowing how to forgive someone is an essential life skill. It serves us well in our love lives and professional relationships. It saves friendships and restores our faith in our children. And we definitely benefit from it when those in our lives are able to forgive us when we inevitably screw up.
Forgiving is critical to our emotional health. When we refuse to forgive someone, we’re choosing to hold on to the anger and bitterness that their actions have created. When we choose to hold onto this anger and let it eat us up, it can make us irritable, impatient, distracted, and even physically ill. Forgiveness is all about us, and not about the other person. We don’t forgive other people because they deserve it. If that were the litmus test for when to forgive, it would rarely happen. Instead we choose to forgive those who have hurt us because we cannot fully let go of the destructive emotions inside us until we do. Forgiveness is not a justice issue; it’s a heart issue.
We can learn from past experiences. We need to take what we can learn, be mindful of the lesson, and then move on. This may mean moving on with or without the person who hurt us. Even in the middle of the situation, we can learn something about ourselves: what pushes our buttons, where we might have sensitivities, and how we handle getting hurt by someone we care about. With this new knowledge, we’re better equipped for future relationships and the inevitable conflicts that will come with them.
Does forgiveness guarantee reconciliation?
If the hurtful event involved someone whose relationship you otherwise value, forgiveness can lead to reconciliation. This isn’t always the case, however. Reconciliation might be impossible if the offender is unwilling to communicate with you. In other cases, reconciliation might not be appropriate. Still, forgiveness is possible, even if reconciliation isn’t.
What if the person I’m forgiving doesn’t change?
Getting another person to change his or her actions, behaviour, or words isn’t the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness this way: how it can change your life by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to wield in your life.
What if I’m the one who needs the forgiveness?
The first step is to honestly assess and acknowledge the wrongs you’ve done and how they have affected others. Avoid judging yourself too harshly. If you’re truly sorry for something you’ve said or done, consider admitting it to those you’ve harmed. Speak of your sincere sorrow or regret, and ask for forgiveness. But don’t make excuses.
Remember that you cannot, however, force someone to forgive you. Everyone needs to move to forgiveness in their own time. Whatever happens, commit to treating others with compassion, empathy, and respect.
The Psychology of Forgiveness
Can we really “forgive and forget”? This old saying is not helpful in real life. Our minds find it hard to forget upsetting events. In life, there are undoubtedly some wrongs that should not be forgotten. These wrongs should be remembered to ensure that we do not endure the same pain again. While forgetting is unlikely, therefore, we can learn to forgive!
We have all experienced some level of hurt and betrayal. Everyone can relate to holding a grudge that’s gone on for too long or to feeling guilty for a mistake. It’s easy to make a mistake, of course, but forgiveness is harder. Forgiveness may be the last thing on our minds when someone does something awful, but that forgiveness is not just for the perpetrator. It’s essential to our own well-being. Initially, you may feel hurt plus a surge of other negative emotions. This is both okay and natural. However, if you hold on to these negative emotions for too long, they can have a negative impact on your life and cause you to ruminate too much on the past.
Forgiveness cannot be forced. It is a choice we must make ourselves. Forgiveness takes courage and a lot of effort and patience. It is often a long and difficult process. If we do choose to forgive, it becomes a way to release the distress and negative emotions associated with the memory of what happened.
To forgive does not mean, therefore, that you forget the experience. It also does not mean that you are condoning what happened or minimizing the offence. It is not a sign of weakness to forgive. If anything, forgiveness is a sign of great strength that enables us to be able to move forward from a painful past.
Forgiveness allows us to move on. It removes us from feelings of anger and hate. Everyone has something that they can be forgiven for and that they must forgive. Forgiveness allows us to leave what is in the past in the past and focus on our present and future.
Why this matters
The fact that forgiveness can influence our ability to forget the details of an offence is of particular interest in view of potential associated health benefits. Indeed, a whole new line of enquiry has begun to reveal numerous benefits for a forgiving individual. These include reduced risk of heart attack, reduced blood pressure and pain and improved cholesterol and sleep. There are also associations with lower levels of depression, hostility, anger, paranoia, and inferiority.
Sweet mercy is nobility’s true badge.
—William Shakespeare
Forgiveness: Letting go of grudges and bitterness
When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger, resentment, and thoughts of revenge … or you can embrace forgiveness and move forward.
Who hasn’t been hurt by the actions or words of another? Perhaps a parent constantly criticized you, perhaps a colleague sabotaged a project, perhaps your partner had an affair with someone else. Or maybe you’ve had a traumatic experience, such as being physically or emotionally abused by someone close to you.
These wounds can leave you with lasting feelings of anger and bitterness, even vengeance. If in these situations you don’t practice forgiveness, you might be the one who pays most dearly.
By embracing forgiveness, you may also embrace peace, hope, gratitude, and joy. Consider how forgiveness can lead you down the path of physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being.
Why is it so easy to hold a grudge?
Being hurt by someone, particularly someone we love and trust, can cause anger, sadness, and confusion. If we dwell on hurtful events or situations and allow negative feelings to crowd out positive feelings, we can carry grudges filled with resentment, vengeance, and hostility. We might find ourselves swallowed up by our own bitterness or sense of injustice.
Some people are naturally more forgiving than others. But even if you’re a grudge holder, almost anyone can learn to be more forgiving.
What are the effects of holding a grudge?
If you’re unforgiving, you might:
- Bring anger and bitterness into every relationship and new experience
- Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present
- Become depressed or anxious
- Feel that your life lacks meaning or purpose, or that you’re at odds with your spiritual beliefs
- Lose valuable and enriching connectedness with others.
How do I reach a state of forgiveness?
Forgiveness is a commitment to a personalized process of change. To move from suffering to forgiveness, you might:
- Recognize the value of forgiveness and how it can improve your life
- Identify what needs healing and who needs to be forgiven and for what
- Consider joining a support group or seeing a counsellor
- Acknowledge your emotions about the harm done to you and how they affect your behaviour, and work to release them
- Choose to forgive the person who offended you
- Move away from your role as victim and release the control and power the offending person and situation have had in your life.
As you let go of grudges, you’ll no longer be defining your life by how you’ve been hurt. You might even find compassion and understanding.
What happens if I can’t forgive someone?
Forgiveness can be challenging, especially if the person who hurt you doesn’t admit to doing anything wrong. If you find yourself stuck:
- Practice empathy. Try seeing the situation from the other person’s point of view.
- Ask yourself why he or she would behave in such a way. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you had faced the same situation.
- Reflect on times you’ve hurt others and on those who’ve forgiven you.
- Write in a journal, pray or use guided meditation, or talk with a person you’ve found to be wise and compassionate, like a spiritual leader, a mental health provider, or an impartial loved one or friend.
- Be aware that forgiveness is a process, and even small hurts may need to be revisited and forgiven over and over again.
Forgiveness is the fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.
—Mark Twain